Thoughts

Im watching this movie about a guy that falls in love with a computer program i would say the movie plays parts in the far future. 

And i start thinking, about love. how alot of people finds love mabey 10 times in just there youth, and how the rest of the world lookes for love everyday. i am 20 years old and havent been in a reletaionship yet. mostly becouse i like being single but theres still a part of me who want that special someone to charise and love and laugh with.  someone to hold at night and being able to say i love you and really mean it. i got a confession to make, i have not been inlove once in all my life on this earth. sure i have been intressted in girls that i kinda like but i have never felt that love feeling the butterflies everyone talks about. 

And sometimes i just think love is not for me that i will never meet anyone to call at night just to talk about everything. 

The most beautiful girl in the world can turn out to be the most uglyiest (spelling) girl in the world by the person she is. and i guess i have high standards. i want a girl thats realistic but at the same time not, i want a girl who likes me for me even if im acting like a little child. i want a girl that laughs at my joke. the kinda girl that if im crying she cries with me. and to me she will be the most beautiful girl in the world if she turns out to be the perfect girl. but so far no one has been good enough. i dont want a girl who judges people by their looks or how they dress. sure if i see a person that dresses like lady gaga but aint lady gaga i am going to stare but i wont judge. 

but i guess love is not for everyone so thats why i have decided to get rich so i can do good in the world like helping homeless animals that has not been taking care of by cruel humans. or help people in poor places have food for the day and a nice roof over thier heads. 

But what do i know about love or destiny of that even exists, mabey there are someone for me out there i just havent met her yet. but when i do im going to be the perfect girlfriend. tho i wont hang out with her everyday cuz i wanna have a life to with my friends and family. plus every relationship need some time apart atleast 4 times a month to stay strong. if you hang out all the time youll get tired of the other person and start fighting alot. and i dont want that. 

but what i really want to get of my chest is... i cant do this anymore. i cant live like this. no job no hope for the future. no im not suecidal. im just tired of how lives treats me. just sitting at home haveing nothing to do exept watching series. and the friends i usally hang out with seems to have gotten a little tired of me. and i can understand that im nagging about stuff thats not intressting. and i really miss my father. im starting to mourn him now. for the first time. i cant seem to get why it happend. why just me when people that really deserves to die like the norwegian guy breivik. but no my father got to die instead. and i got to listen to his 911 tape, the doctor said he didnt suffer anything but i heard in my dads voice in the recordings that he suffered alot. and my mom is nagging me more than ever becouse she so dissepointed in me. beoucse i dont have a job no money and she constantly reminding me or shall i rather say telling me im stupid, she wishes she hadent had any children cuz me and my oldest brother are such a dissepointment to her. i just wanna run away and never come back. i wanna go so far away so that my family cant get a hold of me. im kinda like the black sheep in the family, lesbian, stupid, no money, no future. my mom think im going to be homeless the rest of my life. even tho im the only one of her children that has my own place. but ill get over it. and i cant run away, im just going to have to stand up for myself to my family. starting now. just that im afraid that if i do stand up to mom she will kinda get another heart attack or something. 

i just feel unwanted from every corner of the earth. like i dont matter to anyone. and thats why i always say whats on my mind to friends and family cuz my dreams that i say im going to do is the only thing that keeps me going. the only thing that keeps me from wanting to just die. if i dont have my dreams i dont want to live. so to me dreams are important. the most important thing in my life. even tho everyone in my family says non of my dreams are going to come true and i belive them. but i think mabey its time to stop beliving what they say, start thinking of my own and stop listening to them saying my dream are unrealistic. so thats it for now. bye.