Im watching this movie about a guy that falls in love with a computer program i would say the movie plays parts in the far future. 

And i start thinking, about love. how alot of people finds love mabey 10 times in just there youth, and how the rest of the world lookes for love everyday. i am 20 years old and havent been in a reletaionship yet. mostly becouse i like being single but theres still a part of me who want that special someone to charise and love and laugh with.  someone to hold at night and being able to say i love you and really mean it. i got a confession to make, i have not been inlove once in all my life on this earth. sure i have been intressted in girls that i kinda like but i have never felt that love feeling the butterflies everyone talks about. 

And sometimes i just think love is not for me that i will never meet anyone to call at night just to talk about everything. 

The most beautiful girl in the world can turn out to be the most uglyiest (spelling) girl in the world by the person she is. and i guess i have high standards. i want a girl thats realistic but at the same time not, i want a girl who likes me for me even if im acting like a little child. i want a girl that laughs at my joke. the kinda girl that if im crying she cries with me. and to me she will be the most beautiful girl in the world if she turns out to be the perfect girl. but so far no one has been good enough. i dont want a girl who judges people by their looks or how they dress. sure if i see a person that dresses like lady gaga but aint lady gaga i am going to stare but i wont judge. 

but i guess love is not for everyone so thats why i have decided to get rich so i can do good in the world like helping homeless animals that has not been taking care of by cruel humans. or help people in poor places have food for the day and a nice roof over thier heads. 

But what do i know about love or destiny of that even exists, mabey there are someone for me out there i just havent met her yet. but when i do im going to be the perfect girlfriend. tho i wont hang out with her everyday cuz i wanna have a life to with my friends and family. plus every relationship need some time apart atleast 4 times a month to stay strong. if you hang out all the time youll get tired of the other person and start fighting alot. and i dont want that. 

but what i really want to get of my chest is... i cant do this anymore. i cant live like this. no job no hope for the future. no im not suecidal. im just tired of how lives treats me. just sitting at home haveing nothing to do exept watching series. and the friends i usally hang out with seems to have gotten a little tired of me. and i can understand that im nagging about stuff thats not intressting. and i really miss my father. im starting to mourn him now. for the first time. i cant seem to get why it happend. why just me when people that really deserves to die like the norwegian guy breivik. but no my father got to die instead. and i got to listen to his 911 tape, the doctor said he didnt suffer anything but i heard in my dads voice in the recordings that he suffered alot. and my mom is nagging me more than ever becouse she so dissepointed in me. beoucse i dont have a job no money and she constantly reminding me or shall i rather say telling me im stupid, she wishes she hadent had any children cuz me and my oldest brother are such a dissepointment to her. i just wanna run away and never come back. i wanna go so far away so that my family cant get a hold of me. im kinda like the black sheep in the family, lesbian, stupid, no money, no future. my mom think im going to be homeless the rest of my life. even tho im the only one of her children that has my own place. but ill get over it. and i cant run away, im just going to have to stand up for myself to my family. starting now. just that im afraid that if i do stand up to mom she will kinda get another heart attack or something. 

i just feel unwanted from every corner of the earth. like i dont matter to anyone. and thats why i always say whats on my mind to friends and family cuz my dreams that i say im going to do is the only thing that keeps me going. the only thing that keeps me from wanting to just die. if i dont have my dreams i dont want to live. so to me dreams are important. the most important thing in my life. even tho everyone in my family says non of my dreams are going to come true and i belive them. but i think mabey its time to stop beliving what they say, start thinking of my own and stop listening to them saying my dream are unrealistic. so thats it for now. bye. 

this post is about being a better person.

have you ever wondered why the world is such a bad place and why it wont get better? why the human kind acts the way they do? 

well i have an answer for you... 

its may not be the world. it may actully be you that makes the world such a bad place not like littetly but in your head you imagine the world being such a bad place. so there for you act like a good person but mabey with a temper and can get pretty mean alot. like me i was a angry person that thought the world was against me, but thats not true, the world is not against me. im against the world. im being mean to people without any reason and of course they are going to be mean back and that will automaticlly make me think that they are the one that are mean when its acully me thats mean. 

why i started thinking like this i do not know or should i rather say i dont remember. but the important thing is i changed i begane to be a nicer person and that led to that the world actully became a better place for me as long as i was happy and nice to people the world changed for me. sure there is things thats still bad but not for me. i am helping people now instead and making both them and me a perfect world. and i think alot of people think that everybody else is the problem but when you think like that mabey its time to start thinking diffrently. i know alot of people that are like i was a few years ago. and when i run in to a person thats like that i just tell them that they are the one making the world a bad place for themselfes. if they change the world will change with them some of the angry mean person have just ignored me and went right back to there old ways, but... a few of them actully started change and became happy and nice instead. now also helping people in need. so dont think what the world can do for you think about what you could do for the world. being a better person will make your world better. help a person in need everyday and be a nice happy man/women. and it will soon pay off. so good luck! 

the following steps is about being happy in life and how to achive it.

Step 1 Be yourself dont try do be someone your not. 

Step 2 change your lifestyle. of you are the kind of person that likes eating candy and stuff like that the unhealty stuff, stop doing it stop eating bad stuff. if you are awake at night and sleeping during the day stop with that. the body need a healty lifestyle. meaning that the dayrythm is important go to sleep at a specific time like 9:00 pm and get up at 6:am. it will be hard at first but will pay off. and always have a clean home. if your home is messy that can actully make you sad without you knowing it so always have it clean! 

step 3 do not care about what the social media is saying about weight and stuff. you are beautiful just the way you are. 

step 4 dont start in a week cuz that will never happen, start right away. if you are thinking that you can start next week or next month you will only make that time longer and when its been a week and you were suppose to start you wont cuz you will automaticlly think that na i can start tomorrow instead or next week and the time will not be on you side so start right away. make a schedule that you follow everyday, the schedule is going to be your lifestyle. so everything you are going to do during a week wright it up and make a time schedule and follow that. 

step 5 wright down what you want to do in life and think about what of those things that are most realistic. wright down how you want to change as a person and do what you want in life. dont think no i cant do it its to hard. that will make you depressed. so do what you want no matter how long time it will take. no matter if it takes years to get there. wright your goal in life and do the most realistic. if one of your life goals would for example be i wanna be able to be as strong as superman thats not gonna happen, but if your life goal is mabey to be an actor or stuff like that then achive your goals! cuz those are the realistic ones. 

step 6 get enough exercise, walk atleast 1 hour per day normal walking speed. if your not a gym person. if you are a gym person that workout hard at the gym for 1 hour everyday. and never stop with these steps when you do you will end up sad again. and that is not what we want now is it. so never stop doing these steps. 

now get out of your depression and start making a better life for yourself! i did these steps and it worked perfecly and im still doing them as long as i do them i wont be depressed. Good luck! 

Hi sorry havent really had the time to write, i have been busy with a product im trying to make happen. i have an idea about something that will help older people and handicapped people get a easier life. we will see how it goes. the people i pitched it to like my idea so im hoping for the best! well. tomorrow i will write about how to make your life easier by being happy and how to become happy. so stay tuned! bye folks! 

Now i am going to write about me and my life. in my teens i don´t want to write from the the beginning.

We are going to start with 7:th grade.

in 7th grade i wanted to be one of the popular kids, and i succeded by lying. i had to lie to be a part of something that i today find disgusting to have been a part of. the popular are the most false and mean people i have ever seen. talking behind each others backs saying they care about people when in fact they only care about themselves, saying they are against bullying when in fact they do bully people everyday.

Yes i made a misstake by joining your group with lies but seriusly would i have been apart of your little possy if i would´nt have lied? i dont think so. well i got caught lying in the end of 7th grade, and i really think thats a good thing cuz if i would have been apart of the popular kids i would have been a totaly diffrent person today with false friends instead of real and carring friends, the lying really saved me in a way.

Lying is not okey but in my case it saved me, i have never lied again exept for my family cuz they don´t need to know everything, in 8th grade i started hangning out with troubled kids and started skipping school and i started smoking. all through 8th grade i skipped school well i was there but did not go to my classes, in the end of 8th grade i started studying but did not get any help from the teachers cuz they thought i was a lost case, there was no point in helping me cuz i would be criminal and a drunk even if they puy in the effort, they thought. One day i told my parents this and they got mad and told me to record the teachers and i did but got caught and they took my phone and deleted the recordings, and then they listend on all my recordings a few was private and embrassaing. a week after that ny father came by to help me study, so when they saw him on the parking lot they immediately went up me asking if they could help me with anything (i have forgot to tell you i was in a private classroom for troubled kids.) so they asked me if they could help when they saw my fahter, i said no go back to your old ways instead  have manage so far without you and i dont see how you could help me you don´t seem to know anything anyway. my father stepped in to the classroom and started helping me. Then a week later the principal called and said that my teachers had seen me and that i was drunk on school property a friday night with other drunk older people. And if it were to happen again i would get expelled, but what my teachers did not know was that i was hanging out with my mother that friday. So my mom got really mad and started beliving me that the teachers is trying to get rid of me, so she went with me to school that week and yelld at my teachers saying to get theyre facts straight and that if they tried that again she would start a war. not like a killing war more like a get the teachers fired war.

well anywho, the principal found out that the teachers had lied and said he was sorry for the missunderstanding. my mom did not accept the apology. then in 9th grade i got my own new teacher in a new private classroom and even tho i was behind on 1 year of homework and lessons that teacher helped me get 10 grades up in just 6 months so that i could graduate. But of course my grades would not be able to get me in a good collage, so i just applied to the ones i had enough points to. ended up doing crafts and cabinetmaking and making my own furnitures.

And i dont even like doing it. it´s more of a hobby. i want to be a producer or the camera guy when shooting movies. but did not have enough points and now im to lazy to study when im done with school. i don´t want to go back to school just when i have finished it. so now im stuck with a education i don´t even want i have no job and nothing to look foward to. well i live in a small town and i have plans to move to the capitol city of my country. so i hope that works out. well bye for now!

mourning a loved one is hard, it makes you sad, depressed and anrgy. Angry that the person you love died and you did not get to say goodbye, sad that you will never see or talk to again. And you will never forget that special person no matter who it was, your father, your mother, your brothers, your wife or husband. in my case i lost my father a few months back, and to even think i will never see him again makes me sad, but, i don´t cry over him becouse i wanna be strong. He always said to me that he did not want me and my brothers to cry over him passing away but celebrate the life he had, so that´s what i have been trying to do. but you see it does not work like that if you do not express your sadness in a healty way you will be so depressed that you won´t even go out the door during the day. like me, the only thing i do is sit by a computer and do nothing. only beoucse i don´t let myself mourn properly, so starting next week i am going to let myself mourn!

If anyone else has this problem let your tears run! it is not good holding everything in! that´s why i created this blog so that i can say everything on my mind without anyone knowing who i am... in other words im anonymous!  man would i want a judgefree world! where freedom is that you can be who you want without worrying about getting teased or saying what you want without people laughing or bullying me.

NO HATE! there is always going to be haters out there but let´s just ignore them and hope they go away!

I can´t help feeling that a few celebrities think they better then everybody "normal" people just cuz they got more money and fame. And the thing about celebrities is that they don´t seem to realize who got them there... well let me give you a hint! YOUR FANS! sure the crazy fans i can understand you want to hide from the crazy ones.

If i would meet my idol i would do nothing not even go over and say hi just becouse they don´t know me and i don´t know him/her. i only say hi and talk to people i know, sure if they are sitting like in a sitcom signing autographs sure i would walk over say hi and get a autograph, but if they are just walking down the streets i would not bother them. they are us we are them there is no diffrence. they are people to just like you and me, imagine if people took your picture everywhere you went? like that would be really annoying wouldnt it? so before you run over to a celeb think about what you would think about it. either you would like wonder what crazy person you don´t know just comes and talks to you. well we can all agree that celebs don´t have fun lives with no privacy!

But the thing that bugs me with celebs is that they almost don´t make an effort to thank fans becouse the fans got them where they are today. sure they post 1-10 videos thanking fans, but how bout try another thing like mabey call a fan everyday. or have contests everyday to hang out with your idol for a day. like if i was famous i would really let my fans in on my life, and not just post a video thanking fans for being fans! i would call a fan everyday. hang out with 1-3 fans a day, make em feel like im they're friend and just not an idol.

I would make an effort to thank my fans in a diffrent way. like i described before. but i know that would be tough and almost inpossable to do if your busy, but instead of one day mabey a day per week if i would be really busy with work..

So for every celeb out there make more efforts thanking and supporting YOUR fans! i know they´d appriciate it. call them or videochat with them if your really busy. but don´t call them from your real number get a new like a fan number that you turn off once you called a fan or two and turn back on the next time you call a fan then turn it off again so you don´t get bombed. well you will anyway, call from a private number so they don´t see phonenumber.

well that´s my opinion. but THIS will never happen :) just wanted to put it out of my head :) and PS let your idol be who she/he is without leaving the fan club! like miley for example she just want to be who she feels like being. nothing wring with that i would rather say it is brave of her since she has alot of fans. LET CELEBRITIES BE WHO THEY WANT! and be who you want don´t be someone else!

In really early years i discoverd i was not like everyone else, i discovred i was a lesbian. And all trough school i have been fighting it like if i fighted hard enough i would be normal straight, not a lesbian. but later in life i have learned that you do not choose to be a lesbian or gay or bisexuall, and when i came out no one in my family belived me to be a lesbian becouse they didnt accept it at first, my friend was reallt okey with it no problem at all, And later my family stated that i could not know if i was a lesbian becouse i had´nt had sex with a girl. So that made me mad, so i asked my family if they knew they were straight all answering yes lead me to say, so how did you know you were straight and they answer that they just knew like a feeling and they just knew before they had sex for the first time so i said

Me: so what makes you being able to know before you had sex and not me? why would it be any diffrent for me? why can´t i feel that feeling?

i was able to convince 2 in my family one brother and my father, my mother and other brother still stated i didnt know becouse i had´nt had sex yet. So i got myself really drunk at the age of 16 and had sex with a guy, wich of course i did not enjoy. Then i ran home to mom and told her, so i know im gay cuz i had sex with a guy last night. so then my mother was convinced but she did not want me to say i was if it was proven i just was confused at that age.

and now for my older brother that still says i need to have sex with a girl to know, he did not know i have had sex with a guy and now im 18. so a week ago we talked about again, he stated he knew he was straight before having sex so i told him well how can´t i know before sex with a girl then?  so he changed his argument to

Brother: Well i know cuz i have had sex with a girl

Me: Well i know im gay cuz i have had sex with a guy

Brother: That´s not the same! you need to have sex with a girl to know!

Me: Oh My god just accepted the fact that im gay! i have had sex with a guy so i know im gay! that is the exakt same argument you doing just reversed!

Brother: No it is not!

Brother 2: cmon bro you know shes right! i totaly agree with her! when you say stuff like that it makes you sound stupid!

Me: im going out to smoke now hes inposseble to convince anyway..... it would even matter to him if i had sex with a girl he would still come up with some dumb argument about me not knowing!

The End of the argument.

really? he can´t just accepted me? he is going to lose me if he does not accept me for who i am. i thought to myself, but then i started thinking why would i do that he is my brother i can´t do that even if he does not accept me. All i can do is just wait for him to realize his little sister is gay no matter how long time it´s gonna take. he is my brother and will always be no matter what!

so for everyone out there that has family who does not accept you for who you are dont bring it up let them take the time they need to accept it cuz one day they will.

well there is cases that they wont like religon. but see past that don´t leave your family becouse of one simple thing that is not a big deal! even tho ppl think it is, its actully not! i know it´s hard waiting for someone to accept you specielly when it is your own family...

but one day you will feel sorry that you left them only for that little thing and you are gonna wish you could spend more time with your family. and that time is going to be when a close family member or what used to be a close family member has died. you will never see that person again. i wish i could speak one more time with my father. he did accept me for who i was but i barely spend any time with him the last 2 years. almost nothing, so i regret that so much! so spend as much time with your family as possible! they will come around eventually!

The first thing i am going to write on this blog is going to be about bullying, so here goes my opinion the way i have seen and witnessed. (your gonna have to excuse my english im not that good in grammar or spelling in english! im from Europe.)

Everyday of my whole life i have seen things no one should be doing, like when i was in kindergarden there was this boy lets call him Joe.

Joe was the bully in my kindergarden, he was so mean to everybody and can´t blame him his parents should´nt be parents so it was probably a way for him to express himself the only way he was taught to express himself. By hitting people as his mom and dad hit him, it is never the kids fault for how he/she is behaving. it´s the parents or school (the teachers) in most of the cases with bullying. Where i live almost all the Bullyies have parents that´s criminal or drunks who loves to hit his/her own kid/kids. And the teachers don´t know how to handle a kid who only knows fighting, they don´t have education for kids behaviour they only learn the stuff the teach. So when a kid who fights starts to rebel they don´t know how to handle the situation, they just send the kid home and hope he/she is behaving better the next day. Well it does not work like that! but they don´t know that. first thing is if the kid has messy parents it´s not gonna be better to send the kid home, second when teachers don´t know how to handle a bully they probably created another bully for example in my case when i was in kindergarden i was the kind kid who did´nt even hurt a fly.

One day a bully was going to strike a little defensless boy i felt sorry for him and i went over there and helped him wich lead to that i got a brom in my head and had to go to the emergency room to patch the wound together. Then later in pre school i was bullyied by a boy the boy i was talking about before Joe. Joe always bullyied me and many others, i know for a fact that he took a small needle and stabed it in kids bodys in diffrent places. well anyway the teachers in preschool did not know how to handle him, everytime they saw him beating a kid they always sended him home. So he got smarter and beat up kids when the teachers didn´t see him, one day my parents said to me that we were moving and changing schools becouse they found out how the bully threaded me and my brother and how the teachers did nothing to help. so at the last day at the old school i beat that bully and never saw him again and let me tell you that felt good like really good after all he did to me. So at my new school i started bullying so i wouldnt get bullyied instead, and today i really regret that choice becouse i have harmed kids just the way he harmed me wich i hated but still did. i have scared people for life, they will always remember the girl who bullyied them trough school.

I know one kid i used to bully, he barly has friends and he does not take care of himself and i when i see him he looks really depressed and im the cause of that, and that pains me everyday to know i have caused so much suffering just like i sufferd.

And that my friends is not right bullying is not the answer but it is a problem so stand up and be heard! stop the bullying once and for all!